People quote Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde all the time. Why not me?
Sometimes even instant gratification isn't quick enough.
Lord, give me patience...right now!
Why is it that everyone wants to boogie down, but nobody ever
seems to boogie up?
I've had a Mister Coffee; I've seen Mister T. What's next,
Mister Hot Chocolate?
I bought one of those beds with memory foam. Now when I talk in my
sleep, it remembers everything I said.
Don't try make a monkey out of me---that's my job!
Even a broken record's twice, once a day...
You think I'm asking for trouble? Heck, I'm demanding it!
I'd be a cynic—if I thought it would make any difference.
You can't have "panky" without a "hanky."
Don't think of this as me robbing you; I'm jump-starting
your career as a philanthropist.
Another failed product idea: Mister Onion Head
Chtin hubby / kikd frm home / divorc paprs / srvd to his phone / Brma Shv
"No one will be admitted after the exciting conclusion of
tonight's show!"
Thinking outside the box sometimes requires that you find
a different box!
Buy organic vegetables...then you can add your own pesticides at home.
If you're a nobody, you needn't worry about identity theft.
Some people worship God, others worship Gold: You decide for yourself.
Cars, computers, airplanes, women. Never fast enough.
If your life is going nowhere, at least you can't lose your way.
The church never did tell me whether Jesus could turn
sparkling water into sparkling wine...
Bet it, move it, watch it, lose it, shake it, bust it.
Versatile word #53: "ass."
The food at Disneyland is more expensive than what NASA sent to the moon.
Even after you account for the transportation.
The most important Karaoke safety equipment: earplugs!
I went to movie matinee but couldn't see the film.
So much for the drive-in in the daytime!
If you're gonna answer your phone during a job interview,
it had better be about your upcoming organ transplant.
He was ousted from the company he founded.
Sadly, he had been self-employed; it got ugly when his
schizophrenia started.
"Obi-Wan, can I have my own light sabre?"
"You'll shoot your eye out, Luke."
Haven't you ever heard of a rhetorical question?
As far as organ transplants go, I'm on the waiting list for a new brain.
First I ran out of ideas; then I ran out of excuses.
Pizza gets a bad rap. It's the most common food sent in when there's a
hostage situation.
She called me an idiot. I was insulted; I'm more than that.
I'm a complete idiot.
The Large Hadron Collider's biggest accomplishment to date:
dramatically demonstrating the collision between theory and practice.
House of Umlauts. In Europe, visit Umlaut Haus. Not affiliated
with Umlaut World.
Another failed invention: The solar-powered pacemaker.
Overheard at a baby-changing table..."I think I'd like that
baby instead of mine."
Four Russian phrases: Dressing, Mob, Ballet, Roulette
If you go to Italy and visit Positano, do you also have to
visit Negitano?
Did you say "Turn up the Volume?" or "Turn up the Valium?"
I don't know whether to shoot him an email, or just shoot him.
You can have quiet fun in more places than noisy fun.
I'm lucky to be able to be a spokesperson for myself, let
alone anyone else.
Sometimes I'm only paying attention to 50% of what's going
on. Unfortunately, it's the wrong 50%.
Some people are looking for love. Others are just looking for lunch.
My wife says that living with me is a repetitive stress injury.
I suggested a buddy for a single woman in town. My wife replied,
"She wants an eligible guy...not a guy eligible for parole."
A major drawback of recycling: You can't find a bottle when
there's a riot.
People often have trouble getting onto the Internet. My
problem is that I can't get off!
I hate liver. Well, except for the one I carry around in my belly.
I'm backing up your data to the cheapest CD-R media I could find.
If you think this is a mess, you must live a sheltered life.
I'm optimistic about the future of my business: I just
bought a box of 500 invoice envelopes.
There's no good measurement system for fun. All we have are
No Fun, Fun, a Lot Of Fun, and Too Fun.
As for my hidden talents, sometimes they tend to remain a
bit too hidden.
Advantage #4 of driving at the speed of light: A radar gun behind
you will never catch you!
Some people feel my driving is bad, but that they're safer
inside the car than outside!
I've gone around in circles before, but now it seems like
I'm going around in ovals...
Unfortunately, for every Dalai Lama or Einstein there are thousands
of Raiders fans...
If I'm wrong I wouldn't be surprised...just disappointed
that I won't be getting a Nobel Prize again this year.
She said "...and we sing bad karaoke." How can you tell?
I never second-guess my sanity.
After all, if my mind is going, how can I trust myself to
analyze my own thinking?
One retail shop that Wal-Mart won't put out of business:
An adult book/video store!
When you know that you don't know, then you know more than if
you didn't know you didn't know.
Why does a church need handicapped parking spots?
Shouldn't they be making lame men walk?
Perhaps the toilet business is the new success story.
After all, it seems that's where everything is going nowadays.
Now that I have an iPhone, can I still go to church on Palm Sunday?
Times are tough: Due to layoffs, it's now Ali Baba and the 30 thieves.
Parking meters? I love paying to not drive my car.
I read a really neat quote. I forget if it was from Dali
Lama or Dolly Parton.
If I order a "Large Shrimp Pizza," is it a large pizza with
shrimp, or a standard pizza with a large shrimp?
Second Life? Forget it, I'm too busy working on my
first life.
"Linens 'n' Things" went bankrupt. It was the "things" that done 'em in.
My wife on rose wine: "Either stand up and be a red, or sit
down and be a white!"
I couldn't find my ass with both hands and a map. So I got me a GPS.
I hate to speak ill of the dumb, but those guys are really dumb.
"Mom, can I quit school to join a Japanese musical drama group?"
"Noh!"
He drifted, then overcorrected, then crashed. Yes, I was
talking about the economy!
In this economy, some folks have watched their 401k become
a 201k, then a 101k...
If I want to install piped-in music, do I hire a musician,
or a plumber?
I love ambiguity. And I hate it.
I got an email titled "The pen is mightier than the sword."
My spam filter deleted it.
One good thing about identity theft:
If you're doing something the government doesn't like, maybe
they'll send the thief to Gitmo.
"Some call it a Kaiser roll. I call it a sling roll. But
some call it a Kaiser roll."
Ancient Egyptian saying: "Show me the mummy!"
I must be a white man: when all is going to hell, I don't
immediately grab a guitar and sing about it...
I'm torn between raising my consciousness and
lowering my expectations.
"Highways jammed wid bwoken hewoes on a wass chance powah dwive..."
— Bwuce Spwingsteen
This technology is moving so fast that I don't have time to learn
something before its replacement comes along.
Do you want advance notice of the apocalpyse, or would you
prefer it to be a surprise?
My clothes ask a fashion question.
My wife says "Forget diet pills...why doesn't someone try
to develop peace pills?"
In our daily lives, we all hide our fears, prejudices, and hangups.
But if we're called for a jury, that's the time to let 'em show through.
Some feel God has begun to abandon us. After all those years
without a promotion, I can see why he'd slack off.
I was near the Aquarium and went to Madame Cousteau's Wax Museum:
all they had were a lot of wax fish!
The Seven Dwarf Chefs: Fruity, Meaty, Cheesy, Spicy, Juicy,
Savory, and Fishy.
For the man who has everything: A death threat from a stranger!
Food adjectives: Fruity, Meaty, Cheesy, Spicy, Savory; but
then there's Fishy!
What? You don't have a complaint department? Now
I have two complaints!
I carry ibuprofen with me, in case I need to make an
anti-inflammatory remark.
Scotsman to composer: "Aye, Shostakovich, but I dinna shoot
the deputy."
When my kids inherit my musical instruments, they'll learn
the true meaning of "heir guitar."
The word honeycomb has a silent "B." But if you try to steal
one from the hive, the bees aren't silent.
I've never seen anyone hit by a single whammy. It's always
a double whammy.
My horse threw a shoe. So I spanked him; nobody in my family is
allowed to throw shoes.
Occasionally people tell me I'm a genius. Where were these people
when I was getting those lousy grades in high school?
Sometimes I work so fast I'm in danger of finishing before I started.
They can strip Pluto's status as a planet. But not his status
as a dog.
A good thing about standards is that they provide a well-known baseline
from which to deviate.
The problem with superstition is that it's more seance than science.
Backups are for sissies.
He had a soul with the words "wash me" scrawled on it in dust.
Maybe the US needs to be a plutocracy. Put Mickey Mouse's
dog in charge...
A truly dedicated sadist would refuse to beat a masochist.
Never mind more fiber in my diet. I want more fiber in my
Internet connection!
I did so poorly in science class that I got an Absolute Zero.
If everyone changed one light bulb to fluorescent, it would
be like taking 7 million cars off the road.
But where would we park them all?
Every time you call something "Mickey-Mouse," it's a copyright
violation.
Disney would file a lawsuit, if it weren't for their
Mickey-Mouse legal department.
...Doing my best to serve as an example of why planned
parenthood makes sense.
How the law student failed an oral exam on Miranda rights:
he remained silent.
I won't lie to you; there's no such thing as the Truth Fairy.
The only time you'll have complete privacy is when you're
six feet under.
Recently, I was lucid just long enough to realize that I'm losing it.
When people ask me what I think of change, I say "Well,
it's different."
My medical insurance wrote to me: "To cut paperwork and
save trees, we've decided not to pay any claims."
What I lack in character, I make up for with stupidity.
He knew it would be an ugly mob. For some reason, the
beautiful people never seemed to join in.
Years ago, my mojo needed repairs. I still don't know if it's workin'.
Why do I need a solar calculator? I know how far away the sun is.
I'm not demanding an increase in intelligence, but I'd at
least like to see a reduction of stupidity.
When diplomacy fails, try fencing.
What's a party? Take away food and drink, and all that's
left is jokes, gossip, and insults.
It's hard to feel animosity toward someone before you've
got your own act together.
My mojo's workin', but I think I need an upgrade.
I can't tell the difference between Jezebel, Clarabelle,
or Tinkerbell.
The menu said "Our burgers are 100% British beef." So I
ordered the chicken.
Was that killer bees attacking a flock of geese? Nope, just
Bob Dylan's harmonica.
You want me to be an organ donor? But I only have a piano.
Just once, I'd like to see a restaurant not say their chowder
is famous!
Some people update their software simply because they're
bored. After updating, they're no longer bored!
My wife says that by the time she drank enough to sing
karaoke, she'd pass out first.
I know how to save your data...but not your soul.
This quote may not be reproduced without the express written
permission of the Commissioner of Baseball...
Life is too cheap to drink short wine.
Pizza...in the Yellow Pages continuum between Physicians and Plumbers.
I bought a full set of work clothes, but somehow I still
end up doing all the work!
If I don't return your message right away, it's because I'm out
searching for Jimmy Hoffa.
Advantage #1 of driving at the speed of light: Whenever you
approach a red traffic light, it always appears green.
She's dating again? She's so old it should be carbon dating!
Advantage #2 of driving at the speed of light: You can't
see a police car's red light in your mirror.
This restaurant has been here forever; in fact, their first
dish was primordial soup
The problem is that everyone has their own idea of what equality is.
When asked for a password, I tried many things and did not
succeed. Then I took the Zen approach: I used nothing and
I achieved success.
Some new TV comedy said "Viewer Discretion Advised." So I
used my discretion: I decided it wasn't worth watching!
You can't really say you hate Arabs until you're willing
to switch to Roman numerals.
Approval vs. Rejection: I seek the former when I use a
credit card, and the latter if called for jury duty.
The Great Equalizer: All dropped laptop computers become the same.
I have a friend who has a tattoo/voodoo/acupuncture shop.
Whatever you need done with needles, he does it.
Charter Member of the Toxic Friends Network!
This message has been edited for content and reformatted
to fit your screen.
TV shows in HD format with 5.1 surround sound? How about
improving the writing?
So I was taking a pantomime class. I answered a question —
and failed!
Sign on a church: God missed you last Sunday. Next week he won't miss
My contribution to art? As a chalk body outline.
If we're gonna have anarchy, I want to be in charge!
I used to be all thumbs; now I only have two left.
The white man's Catch-22: To prove you have soul, you have
to sell it to the Devil.
The Chrysler Intervention Team: Our mission — to steer
people to the other automakers.
Maybe McDonald's can partner with Disney and make a Scrooge
McDuck sandwich.
Bikini waxing? I don't wax my car...why would I want to wax a bikini?
Advantage #3 of driving at the speed of light: You can make
use of the "slingshot effect" on the curves.
I always thought Condoleezza Rice was an ingredient in paella!
TV news is now so gritty and disturbing, I just skip right
through it to the commercials.
Living in the ugliest house in your neighborhood has its
advantages: When you look out the window, you don't have
to see it!
People who have consistent bad luck serve a useful purpose:
they draw the bad things away from the rest of us.
"Welcome to Amnesia International. Now where was I?"
Disadvantage #1 of driving at the speed of light: Flashing
your high beams at a car in front does no good.
I don't have a hole in my head: it's a transformation portal.
A small bit of the world flows through and comes out changed.
Internet haiku:
You e-mailed a joke
It was funny the first time
I got it last spring
When everything you say is a non sequitur, you can't be
quoted out of context.
Quite honestly, the only A+ I've ever gotten is for my blood type...
My brain is a minefield of ideas; be careful where you step.
I ain't worn real shoes in so long, I don't even know Shine-Ola!
Disadvantage #2 of driving at the speed of light: You can't
see the reflectors in the road
I thought I had made a mistake once...but I was mistaken.
I acknowledge the existence of a higher power, and have
therefore installed surge suppressors.
I just bought a timeshare condo from H.G. Wells.
You rub me the wrong way...but keep on rubbin' anyway.
I was going to go to the bakery to pick up a loaf of bread,
but then I decided I'd rather just plain loaf.
If it weren't for the lazy dog, nobody would have paid
attention to the quick brown fox.
Macs Only
